Readings:
A man and a woman sit near each other, and they do not long
at this moment to be older, or younger, nor born
in any other nation, or time, or place.
They are content to be where they are, talking or not-talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do not know.
The man sees the way her fingers move;
he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have made a promise to love that body.
Age may come, parting may come, death will come.
A man and a woman sit near each other;
as they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
someone we know of, who we have never seen.--Robert Bly
Listen! I will be honest with you.
I do not offer the old smooth prizes,
But offer rough, new prizes.
These are the days that must happen to you:
You shall not heap up what is called riches,
You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve.
However sweet the laud-up stores,
However convenient the dwelling, you shall not remain there.
However sheltered the port, and however calm the waters,
You shall not anchor there.
However welcome the hospitality that welcomes you,
You are not permitted to receive it but a little while.
Afoot and lighthearted, take to the open road,
healthy, free, the world before you,
The long, brown path before you, leading wherever you choose.
Say only to one another, "Camerado, I give you my hand!"
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law: Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we strick together, by each other, as long as we live?--Walt Whitman
"What is real?" asked the velveteen rabbit one day, when he and the toy skin horse were lying side by side in the nursery. "Real isn’t how you’re made," said the toy skin horse. "It’s a thing that happens to you. When someone really loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become real." "Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit. "Sometimes," said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don’t mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn’t happen all at once," said the skin horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Once you are real, you can’t become unreal again."
-- Margery Williams
Sermon:
JOAN: Human relationship is many things. It certainly is the key to our humanness and the source of our existence....as far as we know.
ABE: We live in relationship - family, friends, community. We are drawn to others and seek out relationships. We need them to live. We need other people in our lives who we love and who love us; who we care about and who care about us.
As much as we savor our independence and individuality, most all of us seek the challenging work of relationship; a state of being in which negotiation and compromise are ways of life, and paying attention to the entity of the relationship, itself, takes an equal priority to purely personal needs and wishes.
JOAN: It seems to me one gives up a lot in the way of personal freedom for the sake of the love that results in a serious commitment to partner up for the long run. There must be a reason to do it, and it ain’t all sex!
ABE: Maybe we recognize the enormous power of relationship as a vehicle for mutual healing – physical, emotional, and spiritual.
JOAN: Maybe we realize that relationship is a means for profound inner growth. Not the only means, for each one of us walks that path alone, as well. But, what happens in relationship is perhaps more acutely challenging – and the best relationships are...challenging.
ABE: Maybe we realize that relationship at its best is work on ourselves. It means letting go at our edge. Moving out of "comfortable" territory into the unexplored and resisted places.
JOAN: Partners challenge each other to take one more step - to go beyond safe territory - to go into the vastness. In a mutually trusting, honest, and dependable relationship, each one can feel safe enough to take that amazing step into new territory and enter wholly into their own true life and its potentials. A loving and attentive relationship can catalyze enormous growth in each individual. And in doing so, the relationship becomes richer as well.
What is ultimately important is catalyzed in relationship. Life’s meaning can come to us - not from above - but from in between. Between two people - who choose a consecrated and conscious relationship - who see the universal spirit of life in the face of the other, until there is no "other."
ABE: This seems an appropriate time - this day before St. Valentine’s Day - to pay tribute to the intimate and challenging relationships between people who fall in love and live together sort-of-happily ever after - or, maybe "consciously" ever after.
JOAN: And, our focus is on one particular long-term loving relationship that Abe and I know best - our own marriage.
ABE: Last month, we celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary.
JOAN: What keeps us together? Obvious things: a rich mixture of the various elements of love; we share two children, a home, and pleasures of body and soul; and we have grown accustomed to each other’s faces. Our deepest bond is composed of a thousand invisible green rootlets, each the result of a small change we have undergone as a result of our interactions. Ever so gradually, we learn from each other, embrace the wisdom and the passion of the familiar stranger who is both lover and teacher, and grow more capacious and kindly. Such rootlets keep hope alive and nurture a common love. We practice the difficult art of marriage.
ABE: Sam Keen said: "An ongoing marriage is a crucible within which two persons are constantly being de-structured and re-created."
JOAN: We all know that "the course of true love never did run smooth." And once that open door of being single is locked - by the act of marriage or similar commitment to the long-term coupling - the dynamics of love changes. All that we had kept somewhat hidden, emerges.
ABE: I yes when you no,
JOAN: rip when you sew,
ABE: do when you don’t, will when you won’t,
JOAN: can when you can’t,
ABE: rave when you rant,
JOAN: wax when you wane,
ABE: lose when you gain,
JOAN: zig when you zag, flow when you flag, yang when you yin,
ABE: out when you in,
BOTH: and vice versa.
ABE: You do not always like the one you love. Count on it. Your beloved will have habits and characteristics that will drive you up the wall! The challenge is to remain creatively engaged in those periods when we do not like each other - when we’re disapproving, angry, bored, or hurt.
["He and She" inspired by the dialogue between Tevya and Golda in "Fiddler on the Roof," when they sing, "Do You Love Me?" Our dialogue is a contemporary update of theirs!] She: Do you love me?
He: Yes.
She: Do you like me?
He: Yes. And no.
She: What do you mean, no?
He: Do you think you are always likable?"
She: When am I not likable?
He: Well, for instance, you don’t plan very well, so you often reach a point where everything overwhelms you, you get frantic, rush around in a hysterical, disorganized way, and inject a sense of panic into the situation. If I dare to make any suggestions about a more efficient way to get things done, you start blaming me for the crisis, claim I am trying to control you, and get cold and withdrawn. I don’t find you likable at times like this.
She: I just want you to listen and not plan things for me. I don’t like to plan things way ahead. You knew I was like that when you married me. So now you are really confessing that you don’t like who I am.
He: No. My relationship to your relationship to time is more complex than that. If I want to stay in bed and make love in the morning, I’m glad that you’re not compulsive about being on time. But when you keep me waiting when you promised to meet me at three-thirty, your irresponsibility irritates me.
She: Why do you have to be so uptight?
He: Does that bother you?
She: Of course. You would be more fun to be with if you were more spontaneous and weren’t so compulsively immersed in your work and unable to let go of it.
He: So you are confessing that you don’t like me when I feel I’m being responsible and sensible.
She: I didn’t say that. I like your dependability when it’s time to do the income tax and I haven’t the foggiest idea about where the money went. But I don’t like it when we’re on vacation and you have your lap top with you.
He: Do you love me even when you don’t like me?
She: Yes.
He: How do you know you love me at the times you don’t like me?
She: Because I still remember the good times. because I’m willing to work at solving our problems even when it isn’t fun. Because I feel we are becoming larger and better individuals becuase of our relationship. What about you?
He: Even when I’m mad at you, I can’t imagine my life without you.
She: So it is for better and for worse!
He: In spontaneity and rigidity. . . . . Do we have time to make love?
She: That depends on who’s keeping time.
He: Today you keep time, and I’ll forget about work.
She: Then we have plenty of time!
**************
ABE: We met at college – The Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art in New York City. I was 22 – she 21.
JOAN: I remember when Abe and I met - we were both students at The Cooper Union in New York City. I was in the Art School, attending during the day, and Abe was in the Engineering School, attending at night because he was working during the day. I was involved in extra-curricula activities at Cooper. I even wrote a column for the school newspaper called, "Notes from A/Broad!"
ABE: Joan was dating my best friend, Herbie. Double dated several times. Thought she was pretty and smart but didn’t think much beyond that. Very different kind of people. Me- quiet, reserved, shy, studying Chemical Engineering in the night school, working full time, living at home with my mother and two younger brothers. Five older siblings had since moved on and my father had died some six years earlier. She – a full time Fine Arts major, outgoing, involved in all kinds of extracurricular activities, an only child living with her parents.
JOAN: The engineering school guys had a couple of fraternities, and I remember getting to know some of the members of Alpha Mu Sigma. I dated an AMS guy who was studying Electrical Engineering, named Herbie Kleiman, and we double-dated for a while with Herb’s friend, Abe Gelbein and Abe’s girlfriend, Amy Eliasoff. Amy was one of those Westinghouse Science winners who was a genius and one of maybe three or four women in the engineering school.
One day Herbie seeks my worldly advice - get this - on how to have a sexual relationship with Joan. I guess in those days, I talked a good game. Well, I give him the advice but I have to say it also starts me thinking. Next thing I know is that Herbie and Joan are breaking up. Anything to do with my suggestions – who knows. By the way Joan I never did ask, but did you and Herbie ever do it? ..........At about the same time I break up with Amy.
JOAN: Herb and I came to a parting of the ways - I came to the conclusion that he was a jerk. At the same time, Abe stopped dating Amy. So we got together to commisserate, although I don’t think either of us was too unhappy about those break-ups.
ABE: The field is now open so with a clear conscience (and I must say with great trepidation) I ask Joan out.
JOAN: And we started dating each other. I remember tickling Abe when he was driving us around on dates - which was pretty stupid of me! I remember him wondering if we’d always have enough to say to each other. Boy was he wrong! I remember a particularly sweet kiss while we were dancing at the Tavern on the Green in NYC, just before he left for 6 months active duty in the Army Reserves, and thinking that I was in love. One of the letters he wrote to me while he was in Fort McClellan in Georgia had some of his eyebrow hairs enclosed in it, cause he knew I liked his big bushy eyebrows so much!
ABE: I fell in love with Joan for three reasons: the pleasure of our sexual intimacy, she was bringing color, brighness, and adding dimensions to my life, and, in many ways she made it clear that she needed me. Simply being needed and having the opportunity to do something about it made me feel good. At that time in my life it was a very familiar and comfortable role for me.
JOAN: We were married in January of 1958, just after Abe returned from active duty.
ABE: And so our life together began.
JOAN: There was the begatting time. Evie was first - born in 1963, and Martha appeared in 1965. We settled down across the river from New York City - in our own house in Plainfield, New Jersey. First house either of us had ever lived in - we were big city apartment dwellers up until that time. We loved having our own home - and it was there, in that Sherman Avenue house, that Abe put in the first of three kitchens he’s created during our married life so far!
We got used to being parents, and to being homeowners. I remember one day in 1965, not long after we had moved in, sitting in the small dining room of the house and looking out on a tall oak tree in the long front yard and thinking, "My God! I own a tree!" Serious trees had only existed in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park or New York’s Central Park, or way out there in the country where I went to summer camps. And there was one that was all mine.
Evie and Martha were neat kids. I enjoyed having them in my life and did all the mother things pretty well. Just a regular suburban family - I stayed home to raise the kids and Abe was the bread-winner! We even joined the Temple in town, thinking that would be the right thing to do for our new family. Well! There was the start of one helluva major shift in our lives!
ABE: We had gotten friendly with one of my colleagues at work and his family. We admired them and their values. They were Unitarian - first time we’d heard the word. Then, one evening, we attended a program at the Temple during which members of the First Unitarian Society of Plainfield presented a program on the problems in our town between Blacks and Whites. We were very impressed. Joan and I talked about our religious values, questioning our Jewish faith. Was there really a God? Our liberal leanings were drawing us to the larger diverse world. It was interesting that we both came to the same place in our thinking, both on the verge of a new identity - hand in hand when it came to our values.
JOAN: One September Sunday morning in 1966, we drove down to the Unitarian Church to see what it was all about. The building definetly was a CHURCH, so it was a strange experience for us as we entered. But, after that, there was no turning back. I remember feeling amazed at how very comfortable I felt being there; how "right" it all was. ABE had the very same feelings. We joined that day and proceeded to become deeply involved, and remained so, for the next 12 years we were members there.
ABE: It was there and then that we both began to blossom as individuals, and to grow even closer in our relationship. Together, we believed it all – every little word of everything we read about Unitarian Universalism - we were ignited by almost every sermon we listened to - we came to really love and deeply enjoy so many of our new friends in the church - we had been UUs and didn’t realize it. Together we worked with the Social Responsibilities Committee and on a political campaign in town. We both sang in the choir back then. We got involved in every aspect of the church, and spread further out into the denomination. Life was very rich and full, and very exciting for us.
JOAN: The church brought us closer. We agree deeply in the area of our religious values, and the expression of them in a Unitarian Universalist context. We shared -and still share - the enthusiasm and dedication to our church and what it stands for.
Abe’s deepest ideals about humanity and my strong needs for spiritual development and expression met suddenly and serendipitously on a field of dreams that has continued to nurture each of us individually and in relationship.
In my process of blossoming, I reached out to the professional UU ministry as a career path. It was a bold step for me to take - I never thought of myself as that brave. Bolstered by a strong attraction to feminist thinking and a personal need to grow, I opened a new door of my life.
I had a strong feeling that I could do this, and at the same time I was also scared to exercise my newly-perceived freedom. Abe encouraged me to develop myself and I knew, deep-down, he hoped I would take some of the financial responsibility off his shoulders.
It was an incredibly hard path to have chosen. Abe’s support was what turned out to make the difference. I was under the gun to grow in such an intense way that I wanted out many times. The school work was the easiest part. The hard part was being continually evaluated and tested through the UU system set up to selectand hone the best ministerial students. Always being pushed against my growing edges, always having to examine and confront who I am with clarity, confidence, and purpose.
How I got through it was -- Abe - Abe - always Abe - my best friend - my rock; Abe who always knew what to say to me - how to challenge me - how not to coddle me - how to reassure me - how to stand by me no matter what - how to wrangle with me and face off to my stubborn resistance. That poor man! What he went through as I kept myself moving through one hoop and another - through CPE (Chaplaincy training in a hospital) - through an Internship - through the Fellowshiping Committe interview - through the great joy of receiving Fellowship status, and of my ordination in June of 1982.
He was at my side when I tried to figure out the situation of wanting a job and not wanting to leave home to get one; when I chose to take part time ministry positions in commuting distances from home; and through my confusion about what to do with my career when we got standed in Wichita for a few years. My resolve to find a church job - preferably back on the East Coast - was a major decision. Both of us didn’t want to live separately - but that was finally what I knew I must do, and not abandon the profession I had trained so hard for.
Again - it was Abe who cares so much about me, and who always has his heart and head pointing true North!
ABE: In these last several years, the both of us have consciously been shifting our relationship to one that is a true team - a true partnership. Joan and I actually began this intentional process for ourselves before the church began to consider team ministry.
We have developed between us a strong level of trust over the years; trust that has grown through the common history of time and events we have shared, having children together, and loving intimacy. We know each other as no one else can. We have experienced each other’s loyalty, consistency, honesty, and respect. We have weathered the confused times and the bad times. We experience the integrity of that "third body that we share in common," as I read in the Robert Bly poem - that third body that is it’s own reality as our relationship. It is all very solid at this point in our lives.
It is a good basis for the team we have become. Roles don’t matter as much as they did before. Shared responsibility and interdependence does matter. Honestly challenging each other to become all we can be does matter.
JOAN: Working out decisions on a mutual basis matters. Listening to each other matters.
ABE: Doing things together matters. Giving honest feedback matters.
JOAN: Our family matters. Our work matters.
ABE: We are committed to ironing out emotional issues, and we are committed to our spiritual partnering.
JOAN: In our spiritual development, we spend a lot of time together discussing the meaning and the wonder of life. Our faith is in the fundamental assertion that everything is connected to everything else; the universe is woven together by relationships. We agree with those who teach that the way to understand the mystery of life is in relationship, and that we recognize that those we love will always remain free, full of surprises, and inexhaustibly mysterious.
ABE: I recently read this quote - "Lovers begin by frolicking near the shore in the shallow waters of desire, but the currents of time sweep them toward the oceanic depths where the mystery of being, freedom and creation is 10,000 fathoms deep."
JOAN: The language of love is saturated with the promise of transcending the normal limits of time and space. Love doesn’t belong in the realm of origins and endings. It lives in the timeless dimension of eternity, of always and forever, in which there is no past or future. The poet Rumi wrote, "Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along."
And love songs promise, "I’ll be loving you, always..." "The Rockies may tumble, Gibraltor may crumble, They’re only made of clay....but, oh my dear, our love is here to stay."
BOTH: Happy Valentine’s Day, Honey!
Benediction:
Take a lump of clay,
Wet it, pat it,
Make a statue of you
And a statue of me
Then shatter them, clatter them,
Add some water,
And break them and mold them
Into statue of you and a statue of me.
Then, in mine, there are bits of you
And in you there are bits of me.
Nothing ever shall keep us apart.Amen
Shalom
And Blessed Be!
