"Just Enough Anxiety"

Sermon:

My mind raced as the ambulance sped through traffic. Lying on the gurney and listening to the siren, my heart pounded and my anxiety skyrocketed.  I was a healthy forty-five-year-old guy.  I was the CEO of a successful company.  I worked out.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  But there I was, headed for the hospital and a diagnosis of atrial fibrillation. 

A year or so later, I was hospitalized again—not once, but twice—for a bowel obstruction. Soon after, I underwent surgery to correct a congenital growth in my small intestine. And last year I was confronted with unexpected surgery to repair a herniated disk that ruptured while I was sitting on a Canary Islands’ beach.

With each health crisis, I found myself face-to-face with the uncertainty of life and my fears of illness and death.  Each time I had to make a choice: Was I going to let my emotions shut me down or could I find a way to understand and manage them?  I decided to embrace my anxiety.

Anxiety is a fact of life.  How you use it makes all the difference.  If you let it overwhelm you, it will turn to panic.  If you deny or run from it, you will become complacent.  But if you use anxiety in a positive way, you will turn it into a powerful force in your life. 

But why is it so difficult to deal with our anxiety in the first place?  If anxiety is a fact of life, why do we try to hide from it?  Or let ourselves get hijacked by it?

I believe the problem lies with our faulty thinking.  It goes something like this: Change and uncertainty make me anxious.  Anxiety is bad, a sign of weakness.  Therefore, I have to avoid change and uncertainty.  I have to do whatever I can to avoid anxiety.

Our faulty thinking comes from centuries of viewing change as dangerous. It comes from medical models that frame anxiety as a mental health problem.  And it comes from years of outmoded thinking that ignore the human side of business and life.

We associate anxiety with fear, stress, and instability.  We are afraid we can’t understand or manage our anxiety, so we avoid, deny, resist, run away, or medicate it.  And we refuse to see our anxiety as a major source of energy, in ourselves and our organizations.

I’m basing this conclusion on five decades of life and my thirty-year career as a psychologist, entrepreneur, and CEO advisor.  In fact, my work has led me to three insights about leadership and life:

1.         It’s time to embrace change and uncertainty as facts of life. This involves letting go of our desire for stability.  It means giving up any notion we have that we can protect ourselves from pain.  Or that we can predict the future based on the past.  It requires taking an honest look at what we can and can’t control, and accepting what we discover. 

2.         We can use our healthy anxiety as a positive force for growth.  Anxiety travels with change and uncertainty, and this is actually good news.    Our anxiety is exactly what we need to deal with the ups and downs of life.  It can prompt us to make healthy changes in our life.  It can push us to take advantage of unforeseen opportunities or it can help us confront our most difficult issues.  We just need the right amount of it.

3.         Just enough anxiety is the key to living and leading in our complex world.  What exactly is just enough anxiety?  It is the right level of anxiety—at any given moment in time—that drives us forward without causing us to resist, give up, or try to control what happens.  It unleashes our productive energy and makes us want to do better.  Just enough anxiety produces the optimal state of arousal that enables us to become the person you truly are and want to be.

It’s time to shine a bright light on our outdated views of change.  It’s time to rethink our understanding of uncertainty and our ability to manage it in our lives.  And it’s time to reframe our perspective of anxiety.WHAT MAKES YOU ANXIOUS?

Life is like a poker game.  You are playing the game of life with four major “cards” in your hand: your genetics, personal development, life experiences, and beliefs and expectations.  Each one enhances or detracts from your ability to manage your anxiety.  

Scholars of the Kabbalah (an ancient Jewish text) assert that anxiety is “a requirement for learning and understanding the inner dimension of the Torah,” the central and most important document of Judaism.  It prompts us to seek answers to life’s perplexing questions, such as, “Why me?”  “What does this mean?”  “What is my purpose?”  Without a desire to resolve the incongruities of life, we would never develop, individually or spiritually.  Our anxiety reflects our sensitivity.  It challenges us to live the seven Unitarian Universalist principles. It shows that we care, that we’re engaged in life.

Healthy anxiety is just enough anxiety.  It is the exact amount you need to respond to danger, tackle a tough problem, or take a leap of faith.  It boosts your confidence and ability to concentrate.  It enhances your ability to learn.  Healthy anxiety strengthens your commitment and increases your energy.  It enables you to perform at your best. 

But not all anxiety is healthy.  Anxiety becomes unhealthy when it interferes with normal functioning or good judgment.  Instead of spurring you on to action, it shuts you down.  Or it sends you off frantically in all directions.  Left unattended, unhealthy anxiety can lead to serious physical or psychological illnesses. 

WHERE DOES ANXIETY LIVE?

Imagine an Italian piazza-like meeting place in your mind.  The piazza is a metaphor for the place in our minds where we find ourselves in the midst of change and uncertainty.  It represents the disparity between who we are and who we want to be as the world around us—and within us—changes. 

I think of this place in our minds as a gap.  Webster defines a gap as an “opening, or empty space.”  It is our personal laboratory for change, where anxiety lives and flourishes. 

We are pushed into the gap whenever we face something in our lives that we want to fix or change.  We are pulled into the gap whenever we seize an opportunity or dream of a better future. 

We create our own gap by deciding to be a better person, strengthen our relationships, make more money, improve our health, start a new job, or deepen our spiritual practice.  We are thrown into the gap by unforeseen circumstances, such as when we or someone we love is diagnosed with a serious illness or a storm wreaks havoc with our homes and lives. 

Think about it.  How do you navigate the gaps in your life?  Do you relish every opportunity to learn and grow?  Or do you enter the gap only when compelled by circumstance or crisis?  Do you believe life is all about the destination?  Or do you live one day at a time?  

There are three types of anxiety that live in the gap -- too little anxiety, too much anxiety, and just enough anxiety. Let’s take a look at each one.

Too little anxiety is the face of complacency. It comes from the belief that all is well, and an unfounded expectation that good times will continue unabated, with no need for change or improvement.  Too little anxiety leads to passivity, boredom, and stagnation.

People with too little anxiety want to avoid discomfort.  They are driven by one or more ingrained fears—the fear of their own emotions, of not being successful, or of being imperfect or disliked.  Lacking emotional honesty with themselves, they shy away from emotional honesty with or from others.  They prefer to sweep emotions under the rug or run away from them altogether.

Not surprisingly, too little anxiety people tend to live in a bubble and they produce ineffective energy to move through the gap. 

Too much anxiety comes from negative thinking and emotions.  It causes people to control or attack uncertainty and to ease the pain they feel.   Too much anxiety creates discomfort, tension, and frustration and creates chaotic energy in the gap.

People with too much anxiety are overly attached to success or control. Their obsessions drive their behavior and create unhealthy energy around them.  Behind their attachments is fear—the fear of inadequacy, failure, insignificance, or being taken advantage of.

Just enough anxiety is the middle way.  Like a champion skater, you can round any corner with the right mix of speed and balance and turn your anxiety into productive energy.

Most of us move back and forth between too little, too much and just enough throughout our lives. But for those who live for long periods of time in too little or too much anxiety – who constantly hide their anxiety or wear it on their sleeves—they are in danger of losing their ability to live a full and fulfilling life.

Our anxiety is also contagious.  Our brains are hardwired to pick up cues from our environment—including other people.  We unconsciously monitor facial expressions, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and nonverbal cues.  We interpret people’s behavior.  We sense their intentions.  We feel their feelings.  In fact, we are “inexorably drawn into an intimate brain-to-brain linkup whenever we engage with another person” says Daniel Goleman in Social Intelligence.

That is why our conversations and relationships are like an emotional dance. With each interaction we choose whether we relate with too little, too much, or just enough anxiety.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you see the face of complacency?  The face of fear?  Or do you see the face of success?  You’ve probably seen all three at different times in your life. 

HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH JUST ENOUGH ANXIETY

It starts with an open mind.  Without it, we remain slaves to the past.  To keep our minds open, we must deepen our self-awareness, make learning a lifelong priority, and practice non-attachment. 

Telling the truth about ourselves begins by telling the truth to ourselves.  We also have to be able to learn in real time on a public stage.  We need to admit our mistakes, ask difficult questions of ourselves, have the courage to change patterns that don’t work, and avoid rehashing the past or rehearsing the future. 

JEA people also practice the Eastern philosophy of non-attachment. This involves letting go of any preconceived notions we have about who we are. 

When we become attached to the ways things are, we sabotage our efforts to live with uncertainty.  We end up denying reality—and forfeiting our ability to manage change—if we become attached to pleasure and try to avoid discomfort; if we become attached to praise and try to avoid criticism; or if we become attached to getting what we want and try to avoid losing what we have. It is our attachment to stability that causes us to magnify or suppress our anxiety when circumstances start to change, as they always will. Only when we allow ourselves to feel our insecurity, discomfort, confusion, and pain can we moderate our level of anxiety. And only then can we make the most of change.

I turned 50 atop a mountain in Angkor Watt, Cambodia.  Embraced by the natural beauty of the rain forests around me, and awed by the man-made beauty of the Hindu and Buddhist temples below me, I sat reading Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist nun who lives in Halifax, Canada.  Her words spoke to me in the silence.  Instead of trying to "control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe," I should "learn how to relax in the midst of chaos.” 

Pema Chödrön’s words had a profound effect on me.  Whether it was because of the location or the timing—or both—I took to heart the importance of learning to see uncertainty and change as part of life, while believing in my ability to manage it.  That's where emotional honesty, empathy, and resilience comes in. An open heart releases the energy of life.

Sometimes timing is perfect.  We’re ready to truly see what shows up in our lives.  At other times we’re simply too busy or too blind to take in what the world is offering.  But when we’re open to these special moments of discovery, like I was in Angkor Wat, we can learn some of life’s most enduring lessons.  When our mental defenses are down and our hearts are receptive, we can see things differently. 

Here’s how it works. You start by developing an open mind and an open heart. This enables you to experience just enough anxiety within yourself. Your capacity to harness your anxiety enables you to live in a world of paradox. This is  crucial for living in uncertainty. By mastering three of life’s paradoxes – realistic optimism (telling the truth and dreaming the future), constructive impatience (creating safety and challenging the limits) and confident humility (living with power and living with generosity), you create just enough anxiety for others. This energizes the people around you to be the best that they can be. And it all starts with you.

Every morning, before I start my day, I take time to meditate, to travel inside myself.  It’s my special time alone in my open mind and open heart.  Some days my mind is active and anxious; other days it is quiet and serene. Sometimes I review what happened yesterday. Other times I prepare for the new day.  Often I simply stay quiet and do nothing.  Or I use the time to remind myself what’s important in my life.

On one of my quiet mornings, for some unknown reason, Nelson Mandela came across the ticker tape in my mind. As one of the world’s most admired statesmen, Mandela is a real hero of mine.  His native country of South Africa is such a special place, a land of gorgeous scenery, fantastic animals, wonderful people, and a real social laboratory for change.

While working in South Africa in 2006, Jay, my partner, and I decided to take some R&R in Capetown.  One sunny afternoon we visited Nelson Mandela’s former “home” on the Cape.  Robben Island is not your typical home. It is the isolated prison camp where Mandela was incarcerated with his friends for more than 25 years. 

In 1990, Mandela was released from prison.  On the day of his release, he made a speech to the nation, declaring his commitment to peace and reconciliation. After years of oppression and persecution, Nelson Mandela emerged a hopeful, courageous, and loving man. He eventually became the president of South Africa and led the transformation of his country to become the multi-racial democracy that it is today. In 1993, Nelson Mandela received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Nelson Mandela is a man who found peace with just enough anxiety. For his adult life, he lived in the gap between his current reality and his desired future. He lived with an open mind and an open heart. He mastered all three paradoxes simultaneously.  And he lived and led with just enough anxiety his entire life.

Just enough anxiety can be a powerful force in your life. To tap its full potential you must make a commitment to yourself: to know yourself, to be yourself, to challenge yourself, and to love yourself. Each of us must make our own decisions. Let us be guided by our UU principles and our open minds and hearts as we lean into the winds of uncertainty and change.

Dr. Bob Rosen is CEO of Healthy Companies International in Arlington, Virginia (www.healthycompanies.com). His new book, Just Enough Anxiety (Portfolio) will be published in March, 2008. www.justenoughanxiety.com.