My Dad is Dying

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Comment by jill herndon on January 5, 2012 at 2:22pm

Well!  Three churches full of prayer and Dad was home and up and about for Christmas parties -- not talking to anyone because he can't hear in a crowd and can't remember enough to take a sentence from its beginning to its end, but glad to be where he is, with no complaints to make on any health issues.  Just moving along with his now friendly bright red walker.

Comment by jill herndon on December 17, 2011 at 3:28pm

Dad made it through the cardiac surgeon's 5 days or 5 weeks.  He is home and less confused in the moment.  The moments are brief and dislocated one from the other, but he has found his own felt center.  He is comfortably anchored.  He can't learn the new skills he needs for his personal safety and navigation through life but some great blessing is watching out for him.  He enjoys his naps.  He has gone to some social activities -- the dining hall for meals, the auditorium to see "The Help" so his attentive wife is not home bound all the time.  It is a curious limbo.  "Who are you?  Did you tell me your name?", he asks me less than a minute after he has said "Hello Jill!".  At the end he thanks me for his call and says he would like to hear from me more often, that it has been too long.  I call 3-4 times a week and was with him through the hospitalizations and rehab.  He does not know I have called or been with him. He doesn't know he was in the hospital or rehab -- just that he was not feeling too good for a while and feels better now.  He has no story, no experience, no concerns or worries, no anger, fear or resentment.  He knows he is comfortable. He is pleased with his children and has said so.

Thanks everyone here for reaching out with your wisdom and warmth, your courageous experiences and humorous insights.  You have uplifted me.

Comment by jill herndon on December 2, 2011 at 7:36pm

Thank you Joy. Unfortunately my Dad is up in the Silver Spring and Olney Maryland area.  I have met one of their Priests.

There is a larger issue here family wise -- what does the spouse go through and how does he/she take over managing or shrinking  a whole happy death scenario.  It is not just my Dad's death -- it is a death for my stepmother of her own life as anchored with my Dad.

Comment by Joy Cobb on December 2, 2011 at 10:48am

Thinking about you Jill.  I can tell you when I was in Arlington Hospital watching my aunt Mary Laurie Kelly, a long time member of UUCA, die-  it was such a blessing to have Rev. Linda Peebles there.  The spiritual support she provided made this natural life process seem so calming. 

Comment by jill herndon on November 22, 2011 at 10:32am

This blog started with the cardiologist's "5 days to 5 weeks" estimate of how long Dad's heart would hold out.  We are now in week 4 and all in all moving right along.  My stepmother kept up a stream of prayers and positive declarations from the beginning and when Dad in his confusions asked what was happening she said "You are getting well and you will be going home."  Now he is home.

I had a thoughtful conversation with their priest when I ran into him in the nursing home. I asked him when and how I can know when what I have is faith, or hope, or denial?  We mulled that one over inconclusively and then came around to "a happy death" and what the ingredients might be, and might be or not be for Dad.

 

With another minister, I asked how I could help Dad, and his advice was that I accept that on a profound spiritual level my father's soul know his path and not to worry just witness and wait.

 

And with another minister --  how do I help -- and the practical advice that since Dad's care is not under my control, to accept the boundaries of my being able to help and learn my own lessons in letting go.

 

Different faiths with advice and ultimately confronting a mystery with me -- how does my father know and have a happy death? Can he?  When is this my business or not?

 

And from a girlfriend: "I don't think we know.  We just keep on until the body stops. Then I don't know."

Comment by jill herndon on November 21, 2011 at 11:39am

In the rehabilitation nursing home, Dad's physical condition has stabilized while his mental confusion increases.  Now he has get up and go but frequently does not remember why he got up and he becomes more anxious.  He is looking for some kind of control -- his wallet and keys -- and every few minutes I have to explain that he does not have them because he does not need them and that after all the years of his looking after other people, it is his turn to be looked after.  The next minute, same anxiety and same conversation.  Some of my elementary school teaching habits must be jumping in because I just repeat the whole cycle without becoming anxious myself -- other family members are not so lucky.  There is no point in fussing with him -- he does listen in the moment -- just nothing sticks.  Blessing is he has little or no accumulated resentments -- they are gone with his loss of memory -- and he is always grateful for a sweet explanation.  I am grateful that along with my siblings we have had quite a stretch of time with him and I do feel a sense of completion and gratitude to my Dad for, as he did put it so well, "I taught you what I knew." and to hear from him "I am pleased with all my children." and see it with the love in his eyes. 

 

I took him home on Saturday and saw him settled him in with wife and nurse.  We all took Sunday off to catch up on rest. 

We hope that the familiar surroundings will trigger habits that may reduce his confusion.

We continue with 24 hour supervision -- he has had no sense of his new limitations and events of daily life are completed with a high degree of risk.

 

I am anxious about the medications -- now that the day sitter plus night sitter plus wife Peggy will all be taking care of him. I will work on a check sheet with them, to put on a clipboard and leave by the kitchen table.  Too many medications!  I thought I counted ten.  More risk situations.

 

In all this I finally have come to the "Let go and let God." calm -- trusting in a larger plan and a divine care giving, and that Dad's soul knows his journey.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me cope with the emotions and experiences and especially how to be able to help when I am not the one in charge and not in control.

Comment by Louise Van Horne on November 11, 2011 at 10:46pm

Jill,  My thoughts are with you very much at this time.  I'm here to help in any way I can.  Sincerely,  Louise 

Comment by jill herndon on November 8, 2011 at 3:28pm

Natty -- thank you for the inspirational card and personal note.

 

Dad is building his strength to regain some control of very basic life skills.  We are at the point where we celebrate every improvement, and need to step back to see how limited his options are and ask how his remaining life time can be designed to support what is. We have 24 hour "sitter" coverage to assist and supervise everything he does, and his environment is fairly risk free because of this degree of personal assistance.  The degree of regression of his life skills has been scary.

Comment by jill herndon on November 3, 2011 at 11:39am

Diane Ullius brought me "Final Gifts: Understanding the special Awareness, Needs and Communications of the Dying" -- to read and pass along.  I realized that I did read it a few years ago when my backup-Mom ( a neighbor) was dying over  a 2 year period in a nursing home.  Good to revisit it.  Gives me whole new ears.

For example last night on the phone Dad told me his room was fine, that he had been given a new command but was not sure yet what it was and would be finding out -- then take some time to get on the shuttle and go back to check out his apartment and come back to work.

 

He is a retired Navy Officer and ships captain and apparently the bedroom is something like what he had on his last command on a Destroyer.

 

I focused on telling him he was not strong enough yet to go to the apartment, so work hard in PT.  Now after reading a bit, I can listen to the Near Death Awareness metaphors and hear "I have a new command" quite differently.  It could be that he knows there is a change and there is something he needs to take charge of.

Our next topic was my brother's visit over the next few days.  Dad asked how many children he has.  As I got into the answer --  including my step siblings -- he said that was a lot to keep track of.  He is interested and bemused and everything is fresh and new to him and he can't remember for more than a minute or two, maybe less.  So in contrast the "Final Gifts" are coming as statements he originates about how it is now and who he is -- the Commander, finding his new command post.

 

Thank you Diane.

Comment by jill herndon on November 1, 2011 at 6:57pm

Thank you Chantel.  I am supported logistically by these online contacts while I move from here to Maryland and back, but also in the geography of community -- to feel you are "here" for me, wherever I may be.

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