The Third Commandment: You Shall Speak the Truth with Honesty and Respect, by Rev. Carton Elliott Smith, Nov. 7, 2010

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“The Third Commandment: You Shall Speak the Truth with Honesty and Respect”

        Sometimes we don’t fully appreciate the implications of the words we use. A few weeks back, I shared a reading of the 23rd Psalm during one of our worship services. One of the gifts of my seminary training was becoming sensitized to the bias toward male and masculine representations of the divine, so I wanted to use words other than “The Lord” to refer to God. I also wanted to honor the 23rd Psalm as Hebrew scripture, so rather than use the King James version, I chose the Jerusalem Bible. I switched all the pronouns from The Lord to a gender-neutral name for God that was used once at the beginning of the text. I felt good about myself for my sensitivity. All my seminary training had paid off, and I felt good about that.

         Between the two services, I was approached by a congregant who told me that it felt like a knife through the heart each time I said the Tetragrammaton, the name of the Lord that is never to be spoken, and never to be destroyed or thrown away if written. The congregant asked me to use either “The Lord” or “Adonai” instead. I was glad to change my choice of words … and I felt terrible for several days. The words that I wanted to be a healing balm for those who heard them were anything but for at least one person.

        I had not forgotten the rule about the printed name of the Lord never being destroyed, but hadn’t grasped the offense of speaking that name in the presence of someone steeped in Jewish tradition.

        In one of the traditions that was critical to my spiritual formation, that same name for the Lord was used frequently, and in multiple combinations to convey all that the Lord was to the ancient Israelites, and by extension what the Lord could be to the faithful today. The Lord who is my righteousness, my redeemer, my banner, my refuge. We had a sense of the many names of God as the choir sang today about the Great Mystery of All, the Unity that Binds All Things, and Universal Love. Yet what is respectful and honest in one setting is hardly ever so in all settings.

        All of a sudden, the original Third Commandment became very relevant to my life.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. (Exodus 20:7)

        In my expression of Unitarian Universalism – and the Universalist side of our tradition in particular – I don’t fear the Lord. The source of my being doesn’t intimidate me. I am humbled, and I am awed by that source, but not frightened by the Spirit of Life. I don’t believe there’s anyone in another realm judging the guilt or innocence of what I say, who will either reward or punish me in this life or in whatever follows it.

        In my preparation for this sermon, I discovered that - “Jews typically treat the prohibition against swearing falsely by the name of God to prohibit four different types of oaths: those that affirm as true something known to be false, those affirming as false something known to be true, those that affirm the truth of something obvious (due to its triviality), and those promising some act known to be impossible or outside one’s abilities.” [Source: About.com]

        I do believe that I honor the Spirit of Life when I speak my truth honestly and with respect for the truths of others. This is the challenge for us as Unitarian Universalists: Are we going to be true in our affirmation and promotion of the inherent worth and dignity of every person?

        We make assumptions about each other. That might make us feel more secure at times but in truth, we hardly know the depth of each other’s ancestry, the mountains each one of us has had to climb, the valleys we have been in, and may be in at this very moment. The extraordinary measures we had to take to find our voices, like Ruby Mae did in our skit this morning. What our ancestors had to do to survive. What each has had to do in order to be here today … you just don’t know.

        So much more is going to be available to us as Unitarian Universalists and the world as what we do to be welcoming and inclusive comes even more in-line with what we profess about being welcoming and inclusive.

        At a congregation I once served, other staff members and I entered into a period of deep distress and division. Through a series of incidents and conversations, communication and trust had broken down among us to the degree that it was impossible for all of us to be together in a room without a mediator. The person who came to stand in the gap was a highly-skilled listener and communicator who introduced us to Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life. While the road to resolution was a bumpy one, I know it was better than it would have been without what we learned in our study of nonviolent communication (or NVC) together.

        These words are from the book’s back cover:

        “Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, diagnose – to think in terms of what is “right” and “wrong” with people. At best, the habitual ways we think and speak hinder communication, and create misunderstanding and frustration in others and in ourselves. And still worse, they cause anger and pain, and may lead to violence. Without wanting to, even people with the best of intentions generate needless conflict.

        In Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg shows us how to reach beneath the surface and discover what is alive and vital within us, and how all our actions are based on human needs that we are seeking to meet. When we understand and acknowledge our needs we create a shared basis for a more satisfying relationship – a deeper connection with others and ourselves.”

        As Dr. Rosenberg himself says, the techniques and principles behind nonviolent communication have been around for ages in cultures around the world. For me, there is a distillation of that wisdom in his approach that is valuable and important to share with you this morning.

        Please note: Nonviolent communication and compassionate communication are used interchangeably. I generally prefer compassionate communication because its emphasis affirms what I hope to see more of in the world (compassion) instead of reminding me of what I want to see less in the world (violence). Broken down to its roots, compassion means “to suffer with.” To be compassionate means being able to be with another person’s suffering.

         Rosenberg associates compassionate communication with the giraffe, the land mammal that’s said to have the biggest heart. Each of us has the capacity to listen with the bigheartedness of the giraffe, and can in fact be the mediating voice of the giraffe, speaking to others in the face of their fears, anxieties, doubts and hopelessness.

        There is a counterpoint to the voice of the giraffe, and that’s the voice of the jackal. In workshops on Nonviolent Communication, facilitators often use giraffe and jackal hand puppets to show the contrast between the two. You can think of the jackal when you hear the voice of judgments, demands, comparisons and denying responsibility. The jackal isn’t bad or wrong – it’s just that the jackal’s way of speaking doesn’t affirm the quality of understanding, consideration and relatedness that we long for.

        Taking the Bible for the mythic, timeless themes it wants to convey to us, we could say that the voice of the jackal is as old as humankind. Consider that scene in the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God told Adam not to eat the fruit. Soon thereafter, God made Eve from Adam’s rib. Adam gave Eve the rundown on the law of the land. Eve goes to the tree, and the snake says, “Don’t pay God any attention! Try it – You’ll like it!” She does, and she invites Adam to taste it. They both like it, until they hear God walking through the garden. The pair finds a place to hide. Here is God confronting the two of them.

GOD
Adam, did you eat that fruit I told you not to eat?

ADAM
Yes, I did, but only because she gave it to me!

GOD
Eve, how could you?

EVE
That devilish snake made me do it!

        And immediately, God begins to distribute punishment – God cursed the snake, cursed the relationship between humankind and snake-kind, cursed Eve with labor pains and subjugation to Adam, cursed Adam to a life of toil, cursed the very ground they walked on, kicked them out of the Garden, and put a watchdog angel there with a flaming sword to make sure they never got back in.

        Here we have God – demanding answers, judging Adam and Eve, and getting back at them for not having done what God wanted, using God’s infinite power to shame and invalidate the very ones God is presumed to love. We have Adam and Eve passing the buck, not being at all responsible.

        Let’s recall again some of the markers of the jackal’s voice:

        First, moralistic judgments, implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. Examples: “The problem with you is that you’re self-centered.” “He’s an Arab.” “That’s just inappropriate.” “Those illegals are ruining the country.” “They are racist, sexist, homophobic …”

        Second, making comparisons, invalidating someone for not being like someone else. “Judy always remembers Jack’s birthday. You never remembered mine.” “Why can’t I have the body of an underwear model?”

        Next, denial of responsibility, clouding awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. “I ate the fruit, but only because she gave it to me!” “That devilish snake made me do it!” “They’re the reason we are in this mess.”

        Lastly, making demands, insisting on conformity to one’s wishes as the only viable option for the person who disagrees. “It’s my way or the highway.” “You better do what I say or else!”

        Can you see how violent communication can be?

         What is an alternative to the voice of the Jackal?

        Taking on Compassionate Communication as a practice is an option.

        What happens when we embody the bigheartedness of the Giraffe? We have a chance to get our needs met as we speak our truth with honesty and respect.

        In the four part NVC process,
We start by making an observation that is free of judgment.
Second, we identify the feeling that emerges for us out of that observation.
Next, we articulate the unmet need behind the feeling, and
Last, we make a request that will enrich the quality of life for everyone involved.

I see

I feel

I need

I ask

        We can apply Compassionate Communication to our listening as well as to our speaking.

        What I heard the congregant say about my use of the unspoken name of the Lord was this:

        Carlton, when you used the Tetragrammaton, I felt hurt, because I need to know that there is respect in this community for the tradition I was raised in where we would never say that word. Please use either “The Lord” or “Adonai” instead of the unspoken name of the Lord.

        Again, I was happy to honor that request.

        My response to the congregant using compassionate communication:

        When you let me know that what I said hurt you, I feel sad, because I need to choose words that are sensitive to everyone in the congregation and I didn’t do that today. Please accept my apology.

        Or,

        When you let me know that what I said hurt you, I feel grateful, because I need to know that we have enough trust and goodwill that we can say what we really feel. Please keep letting me know when I say something that’s insensitive so that I can serve the congregation better.

        What if our words are God’s words?

        What happens when we take responsibility for our own vindictiveness and anxiety, instead of projecting them onto God? What if the power of life and death really is in the tongue, as is said in the 18th chapter of Proverbs?

        When have you spoken your truth, and how did you feel about it?

        I leave you with this question as you we go into fellowship hour today, and as some of you go to your covenant groups this month.

        May our speech be guided by our highest intentions, and may we speak our truths with honesty and respect.

        And so it is.

Photos of the Service